What NOT to say

(c) Copyright 2001, DogEars

If we can get away with discussing some non-serious replies, here is a list of some replies to the two most common questions, including some of the worst replies. It's been on lists before, but the statute of limitations has probably expired :-) But keep in mind that some people are offended by humor. Years ago I posted a similar list to an e-mail discussion group. Some people on another group engaged in lengthy discussions of how bad our group was because we would even joke about such things! That was in spite of an emoticon in the subject line and a disclaimer at the beginning.

Here's a copy of our list from long ago.

A list of possible responses to the two most common questions. ALL of these responses are intended for their humor content only. Use of ANY of these in a real world situation could result in MAJOR problems! YMMV.

This is an ongoing work in progress.

You are welcome to post or repost this freely, but it must include the copyright notice.

I am maintaining the master list at:

If you have suggestions for improvements, please send them to me at

Q: Does your dog bite?

"What do you THINK happened to my arm|leg|eyes ?"

"No, he swallowed the last kid whole"
"only naughty kids"
"Why?, Do you?"
"only when I get mad"
"No, but I do"
"Only when necessary" (a good one if you're in a burglary prone area)
"It depends"
"not usually."
"Not lately. What time is it?"
"not today!"
"not unless s/he/it is hungry---gee did I remember to feed today?"
"I don't know. Do you want to find out?"
"If you look like food."

Q: . . . pet your dog?

"If you dare!"

"How come nobody ever wants to pet ME?"
"Do you let strangers pet your children?"
"Can I pet you?" (might have unwanted? sexual undertones)
"Why? Are you that desperate for affection?"
"If you wash your hands first"
"Only if you're real careful to scrub your hands afterwards"
"Avoid the mange areas"
"After what he just rolled in?!?"
"Not while he's working"
"He's not permitted to be petted while he's on-duty. If you can wait a few minutes, I'll take him off duty. THEN you can pet him." (What WE use)"
"If you can wait 'til his break."
"For a dollar"

If you have suggestions for improvements, please send them to me at


Copyright 2001, DogEars